no... please...
Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003 12:28

I feel used. I feel discarded. I feel like I was completely fooled and betrayed.

(when she reads this she'll be angry with me)

I feel like I have been completely lied to. Lied to more deeply than perhaps I ever have been, even having dated Noah as he was first falling in love with Brad. I was shocked at how I reacted to things with Noah and Brad. I was shocked at how little of my life it changed. I didn't become paranoid. I didn't lose my trust in people. I still throw myself into the hearts of others with the same velocity that I always did. I was not jaded. And I did love Noah. I think I did. But I never trusted him. It was let down after let down. I didn't allow myself to rest in his arms, because he didn't let me rest in them. He didn't hold me when I needed him to. He taught me very clearly not to expect anything from him. I didn't think I deserved anything more. There wasn't a lot that I believed in the first place. Of the three people that I have loved, he committed the worst sins, and I have forgiven him the easiest. He did the most physical harm to the relationship, with him, I was completely innocent, completely a victim. But I didn't hurt for very long with him. The thought of him disgusted me. I thought he was a terrible person. And his anger about my lack of understanding made it quite easy for us to just avoid each other entirely. The pain just didn't compare though.

With Linda there was neverending pain, and I would not pull myself out of it. It was, without a doubt, my fault. I was so stupid. I used to blame her, for dragging me around. And maybe she could have done more to help the situation, but it wasn't her fault. It was mine.

I wonder if I'll ever gain the strength to pull myself out of bad situations. This is the closest I've come to doing it.

But I'm way off the track of my original point. I think about the Kimi that I met, and the one that I talk to sporadically now, the one that is cold and bitter and angry, the one that's busy and has her own life in Jersey now... and I compare. I think about what her life was when I met her. I think about what she told me when we broke up. About what she was looking for, and our differences. And how even after we broke up, it took until June for us to feel broken up. Or for me to feel that way. When we were together I was her whole life. And now, she has a whole different life. She has her car and a job and friends in Jersey that she spends time with. And that's good. I'm assuming. Because I know that my life is good for me. But I feel cast aside in favor of those things. I remember a conversation we had...

me: What do you need?

her: emily elizabeth white

I remember her wanting to be with me for a long time. I remember those sweet messages, and visits, and the things she said to me. I was re-reading the other day. Amazing things. Things that I thought were more true and pure than anything I'd ever heard spoken to me. I felt so safe and so loved. For the first time in my life...

She likes to bring up that it's not her that I miss. That it's not her that I love. That it's not her. I don't know why she does that. It makes me angry. I hate it when people presume to know what I'm feeling, particularly when I blatantly tell them otherwise.

The Kimi that I met in December... I am still desperately in love with her. I miss her more than I have ever missed anything in my life. More than I can ever possibly say. I miss her voice on the phone. I miss watching her kick a snowball down the street. I miss her going in and waking up La. I miss watching the two of them. I miss laughing about it all. I miss how she'd go in the bathroom and play music and light a candle. I miss making mashed potatoes. I miss her. But she's so far gone...

And that makes me feel so betrayed. Like this Kimi that I fell in love with was a temporary being. She fell out of love, and she took that part of herself with her. She was back for a little while... in June. And with it, she brought this happiness in me.

I will not deny that we shouldn't be together. We're not made for each other. That much is true. The fact that I cannot be with her anymore is true.

But there is no truth to the statement that I dont miss her.

And all of this makes me feel so... tossed aside... so let down.

And yes, I know that's not fair. I know.

But please, for once, let me feel what I feel, even when I know it's wrong. Please. I spend too much of my time denying my emotions.

Right now I'm so angry and so hurt. I miss her so much. And she IMs and text messages me and I try... I try.. and I get nowhere. I get thrown back into this place again.

I'm better without her right now. Because I can't take this pain. I was in such a good mood, such a good place when I woke up this morning. And now I'm crying. And it feels good to cry, because I haven't in so long. It feels strange, and out of place. It feels unreal. These tears that cover my face... the tightness in my chest.

I feel like all of a sudden I just gave up the front I've been trying so hard to keep up. I just let myself dissolve. Finally.

Maybe I just need to lay here for a while, dissolved, before i can pick myself up and go... or maybe it'll still be quite a while before I can do that.

I don't know... I don't know...

My life is changing everyday.

Every minute.

"I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time"

Ohh man... all of a sudden feeling very very anxious and overwhelmed. God I hate this feeling.... no... please...