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Saturday, Sept. 06, 2003 09:51

I haven't been sleeping much lately, but I think that's okay. Because at the moment, I'm not tired. This morning I was woken up by the ice cream I ate last night. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all. I will know next time.

Does it make sense that running a simple errand this morning was so satisfying? Honestly... I drove to the grocery store, and back here, and felt about 100% than when I left. I woke up anxious, knowing that I was alone in the apartment, knowing we were almost out of toilet paper, knowing that I have a whole weekend to fill.

But I got up, and I drove to the store, and when I came home, I realized that I don't have to do anything if I don't want to. In fact, I can't really afford to do much of anything. And whatever happens today, I have things to do tomorrow. And I was out until somewhat late last night. It's sometimes hard for me to accept that I don't have to be busy to be living my life. I have a whole apartment to myself today. I can do whatever I want here. I can nap, or watch tv or be online or ... whatever I want...

This entry... not so inspired...

But today is the day my journal is unlocked. And I wanted to make an entry... to tell you how I feel today.

Last night was the first time in months that I didn't turn my phone off, or put it on silent when I went to bed. It was also the first time in weeks that someone called when I was sleeping. Irony. And Even more ironically, yesterday I was thinking about how I hadn't heard from Kimi recently. Not thinking about that being good or bad. Just that she hadn't contacted me in a while. This morning, when I woke up, the first thing I thought about was remembering that she called last night. And it added to my anxiety for a moment. Remembering...

I was asleep when she called. I don't even remember hearing the phone ring... it just did... and I automatically picked it up. I was a bit confused at first, and it didn't register who it was. I saw the phone number, wasn't thinking clearly, didn't associate the phone number with her, and answered it. Not that I wouldn't have answered anyway... but I think her voice kind of surprised me. And she asked if I'd been sleeping. And I said no. I always say no... almost always. It's strange. When I am first woken up in the night, I don't think I was asleep. Or I can't remember? So I say no. But I can always tell when I wake up in the morning and remember. But she knows that I always do that. That I always say I wasn't sleeping. She asked me if I was just saying that, and I think I told her that it was possible. I really didn't know... I never do. It's things like that that make me miss her. She just knows things like that about me. She knows how I am. She knows the little things about how my life works. I liked that feeling, a lot. Loved it. Miss it. My heart was beating fast. Very fast. But I was okay. Better than I have been in the past when we've talked. I was exhausted. It was 2 am. I regret not having talked to her more now... I regret not having asked how she was. But half-awake Emi doesn't think of things like that...

I always say that you can always call and wake me up in the night if you need to talk. And that's generally true (although lately not so much... for complex reasons), but I'd suggest giving me a few minutes to wake up...

My brain is all over the place. I'm having trouble focusing. There was a reason for detailing our late-night phone conversation, I swear.

I think I've lost it though.

Maybe just to let you know that I'm okay? I woke up around 8. And couldn't go back to sleep, and was thinking about it. But my chest doesn't hurt... I can breathe... And I don't feel upset or angry. And that is the main reason I unlocked my journal... because most of the vulnerability is gone. I'm always vulnerable... by nature... but I'm at a more normal level now...

Damn, I'm completely out of concentration... time to go...