Lunch Time
Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2003 09:21

I am very angry, because I'm hurt and jealous. And I cannot stand people and their complete lack of dependableness.

The anger comes when, and only when, I know I have done nothing wrong. When I have been promised something, and in no way receive it. When I am watching from afar as someone who is supposed to love me is loving someone else, and not me. When I am sitting right here, well within someone's reach, and they pass by, unannounced, perhaps thinking I won't see them.

I get angry because he lied to me. And if he wasn't lying, then I am angry because he changed with no noticed. And that is irresponsible. And that is being reckless with me. And I did nothing to deserve that. I have been nothing but loving, warm, attentive, and unfortunately, devoted. I have been hopeful and optimistic and idealistic.

What happened to being beautiful? What happened to being missed? What happened to being there for me when I most needed him? What happened to walks? What happened to all the complaints about her?

Don't you dare... don't play this game. I am too trusting. If you say one thing about her, and another about me, I will believe. Don't turn to her and do the opposite. Don't tell me what you believe I will want to hear. Don't share your dreams and visions, and then walk away leaving me out of them. Don't do this to me. I don't deserve this.

But will I continue to let it happen, if I have the choice? Please see yesterday's entry.

Of course I will.

I want that high.

I look out over the worlds, and I try to find mine. Like standing in a big room filled with people, a cafeteria where everyone is eating lunch. And I know exactly which table to go to. I know where I want to be. So I go and sit down. And I'm enjoying the company of those with whom I find comfort. But something is missing. I am craving something else. Then suddenly you walk by. You stop to talk. Your eyes make a pure and unbreakable connection with mine. You laugh at my jokes. You smile at my words. Your hand finds its way to my heart when it hurts. You understand me. So I invite you to sit down. And you do. And you stay for a little while. I wrap myself in you. I believe that you will stay. I forget which lunch table you are from. And when you get up and leave, and I see you with your own crowd, I get jealous, and angry, and I feel betrayed. I think of how well it would all work out if you would just stay in my world. I try to remind you that you can fit here. But you can fit anywhere. I try to keep you in. But you don't belong. I only think you do. I try to cling to your arm and follow you, but I can't leave my world. I can't mingle the way that you do. And you're not meant to stay.

And that's what I do. I am always confusing things. I am always trusting too much. I'm always watching people walk away.

But I still have a full table. We all know what the others will eat for lunch. We all know that no matter what happens, we will always belong.

And in these moments, when I'm angry hurt, they will be there to understand.

(I've been very dramatic and metaphorical lately. I'm not sure if this is good or bad.)