I wonder how long it takes me to write an entry. I've rarely (if ever) had time constraints, but here I am today, with a little bit of a schedule, a little bit of anxious hurrying. That may not be good for me... but I suppose we'll see.
This weekend I went home. To be home. To witness my first love getting married. To make it real to me. To do free laundry. To hear about my parents' recent vacation in Hawaii (and San Francisco). To find my checkbook (although I did not).
I guess the wedding was the biggest component. How often does your ex get married? (Not often when you date girls) I'd be lying if I said I went to show my love and support. I went because it didn't seem real to me. Linda Hildonen getting married. The kind of news that makes you shake your head and stare off into space, hearing it, but not understanding. Serena and I admitted our real motivations in the car on the way there, laughing. Me saying "I don't understand this." I said it again and again. We went because we knew that if we didn't see it, there would be no way we'd believe that our awkward mildly obnoxious and entirely unique friend (and lover) from high school was really committing herself to another (and a boy, at that!). So we went. And we watched. And now we know that it happened, but I still have yet to be convinced of its reality. It seems like a little game. Like we were playing "wedding" as children. Everyone looked beautiful (particularly Jen in her beautiful red dress. Oh my. How amazing to see a girl I never would have thought could appear so breathtaking looking absolutely gorgeous.) Heartfelt vows were exchanged. Dances were danced. Food was eaten. Family was gathered. But to me, there was somehting missing. Probably my doubt and misgiving. Probably the pain in my chest as she walked by me down the aisle and I feared for my life. Someone my age getting married? someone who once swore she'd never marry anyone, getting married? and so young! It sent me into a small squealing panic in which I reached out and grabbed Serena. Oh my....
Oh my...
This fear of absolutes...
It has always existed. I've always been afraid of promises and labels and anything that I thought might leave me stranded in one little box for the rest of my life. I'm indecisive, nervous, anxious, fearful. But lately it has come to this extreme fear. A fear of commitment, of the words "forever" and "ever" and "never." Angie understands this. My love. My savior. She puts things in what she calls "virgo terms." And I giggle. And I kiss her. Because I am infinitely grateful for how absolutely perfect she is for me.
Life is changing, always. And that's important. It needs to be. Growing and changing. What if I were to get stuck, and there was no more growing, no more changing, no more opportunities? What if I was denying myself and closing off opportunities because I put a label on myself. Or allowed someone else to put a label on me.
I don't dream. I don't fantasize. I don't plan for my future.
It feels somehow limiting. Maybe because I know that once I decide something, I will never have the energy or drive to change it. So I decide nothing and live with the fear of getting stuck in a box.
Stuck.
This isn't what this entry was supposed to be about. Not at all in fact.
I had beautiful words in my head about hearing my mom preach on Sunday, about her ability to convince me, once again, that God does, indeed, exist, about the way her body felt against me when I hugged her told her how wonderful she is, about warmth and childhood memories and being loved... about having forgotten that love sometimes.
But I (like the great overtaken herself) don't usually know where my entries are going when I start them. They come out unplanned. And when they do come out, they seem to come out well. So maybe I went wrong in the planning. Maybe the planning is limiting. My fears. They all come around again. A big circle. Interesting.
To answer my own question... when I have limited distraction, and the words flow quickly and my typing is fast... it takes me 20 minutes to write an entry.
And now off to receive the kisses promised to me by a certain infantile long-necked creature.
16:52 - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
Recent entries:
- - Monday, Dec. 31, 2007
The Moments to Live For - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2007
message of Christmas Peace - Friday, Dec. 07, 2007
just a bunch of breast tissue - Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007
a poetry reading - Friday, Nov. 30, 2007
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