mixed
Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 11:03

Entries were writing themselves in my head this weekend. But as I should have done, I chose life over virtual space.

I feel asleep Thursday night in an unfamiliar bed, yet completely comfortable. I was cuddled up inside my comforter with two squishy pillows under my head, a window to my left, and the safety of friends nearby. My body was blissfully exhausted from the calming effects of chemicals coursing through my veins, tickling my center, my ears, my thoughts. The harsh poisons of a few too many drinks and the gentle endorphins released by my lover's voice 2 states away. I slept soundly, peacefully, cradled gently by the warmth of the bed I was sleeping in, and the concerned voice of an old (and somewhat lost) friend asking if I was okay, laughing at our shared vomiting.

It wasn't perfect. The evening had its excruciatingly painful moments. I felt invisible, incompetent, unloved. I felt desperate and anxious, needing to escape. I felt hurt. Hurt above all. And nostalgic. Missing the way things used to be.

Aaron.

My big cuddly teddy bear. Who, only a year ago, was still giving me the best hugs of anyone I could imagine. Who was the only one I would let hold me when Noah broke my heart. Who sat with me in Serena's driveway one night and just held me close to him. Whose smell is one of the most comforting fragrances my nose can find to breathe.

Spanish class, me driving "the van," the pink teddy bear, Linda's crush, my jealousy, Shopping, Serena and Aaron, the fighting, the sarcasm, Katie, even Becca...

Aaron.

And when I walked into that room Thursday evening, he didn't even turn around. Didn't even acknowledge my presence until dinner when I finally managed to catch his eye. Didn't talk to me until he had had 3 or 4 drinks. His cupcake.

We drifted. Fought. He changed. I changed. Differences started to matter.

But god do I miss him...

of all the people in my past, I miss him so much. He was so much different to me. So much. I was his cupcake. His Emilia. Oh...

All is forgiven. And I am sorry.

And I am infinitely thankful for having turned my head to find his face inches from mine "Are you okay?"...

Yes.

I'm okay.

I'm beautiful. Happy. Ecstatic. Content. In love.

I have found what is meant to be. Soon I will be living with Lauren, the two of us (well, the three of us). I will have a cat. I will have my car. I will be completely broke.

But life... life is so perfect.

How is this fair? I just want to escape into his arms one more time, to tell him how happy I am, to joke around, to drive somewhere, to sneak into an R-rated movie (even though we wouldn't need to now).

Life is always so mixed.