Something about Counting Crows and my sick father and three straight days of confrontation with the past and the memoir I just finished has left me feeling a jumble of things. It's one of those days where I have a vague idea of what I want to express, but no idea how to make it congeal. I've given up trying, so here are the chunks.
And though I'll never forget your face; Sometimes I can't remember my name
I think and analyze so much that lately I have been forgetting how old I am. I suddenly have to subtract the years to remember. I worry that someone will ask me, and I will stare dumbfounded, frantically crunching the numbers in my head. It's as though automatic knowledge no longer has any place in my overly reflective mind.
I've been talking to my dad a lot recently. He's been having chest pains for weeks, and just today learned that he will have a double or triple bypass sometime in the very near future. He has been trying to impart wisdom about eating well, exercising, and the transience of life. He talks to me about how it seems like Jackson was born just yesterday, and how he can't believe how fast it has all happened.
Well there's a piece of Maria in every song that I sing; And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings
I wonder if I will ever stop feeling so connected to the 'ghosts' from my past. I wonder if that is something I would even want. But even when I can't remember exactly how many years I've been alive, I am keenly aware of the fact that I am quite young. And if my father is to be believed, I somehow doubt that I will be reliving the aching of lovers and friends past. If life really is so quick, then won't those feelings feel like mere blips?
Right now, though, I feel it as a craving for coffee, catching up, familiar smells, familiar arms, familiar caring, reminiscing, and-- above all-- acceptance (i.e. I wasn't that bad, was I?)
I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you, to a number of people.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have yet to forget any strong emotion that I've felt.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm scared and can use all the love and comfort I can get.
(lyrics are from "Mrs. Potter's Lullaby" by Counting Crows)
21:33 - Wednesday, Mar. 07, 2007
Recent entries:
- - Monday, Dec. 31, 2007
The Moments to Live For - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2007
message of Christmas Peace - Friday, Dec. 07, 2007
just a bunch of breast tissue - Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007
a poetry reading - Friday, Nov. 30, 2007
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