Our relationship (mine and Miranda's) seems to have come to a scary fish-or-cut-bait crossroads. For nearly two years now Miranda has been telling me that she wants to marry me. For the first 6 months I avoided acknowledging it, seeing each affirmation as an empty, honeymoon-phase, endorphin-charged threat (much as I now understand my ex's similarly themed overtures to me to have been). I then moved briefly into a place of tentative "eh, maybe," before transitioning to my current state of wanting to say yes, but feeling unable to commit the rest of my life to any one thing.
Were it left up to me, I could probably happily stay in our current state for the next few years, formulating many excuses such as lack of money, not being done with school yet, not knowing where I want to live, etc. It seems, however, that Miranda isn't comfortable with this going-nowhere waiting game. I can't blame her for not wanting to put years more into something that may or may not pan out, especially since I am the element of uncertainty here. It's easy to say "let's just go with the flow" when I know that she's not going anywhere.
I find myself watching wedding shows on tv, making a guest list, bargaining with Miranda about who promises to do what in this hypothetical ever-after scenario. I'm gathering all the evidence, and at some point I will have to take a plunge. In or Out.
(except I don't really believe she won't wait forever)
11:25 - Thursday, Aug. 02, 2007
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