I was supposed to be spending tonight at Club Passim swooning to the sound of gender-bending harmony surrounded by friends, my right hand firmly planted on Miranda's thigh. Then came a bittersweet but ill-fated day in Boston followed by weeks of fighting. Then came procrastination. Imagine all of this coated in a light mist of loneliness with a torn, bleeding center.
Earlier this week I crashed and burned as I was struck by a sudden attack of loneliness. As tends to happen, however, the universe listened to my melodramatic(pathetic) inner cries, and I am now approaching a weekend with TWO social outings. Three if you count Coro-- my one standing social appointment. I say 'the universe,' because I did very little to invite these events. These things just tend to happen, perhaps today as a reward for my recent acknowledgement of spiritual forces in life (this acknowledgement is in a very undeveloped and vague state, as of now). Perhaps the concept of 'intention,' as Maggie explained it to me in September, really does mean something. (Maybe there are things in the world that are not tactile or measurable.)
I'm having a hard time liking myself lately, and I'm trying all sorts of different ways of rerouting my thoughts. Allowing myself time to have thoughts and feelings seems like a pretty significant portion of the battle. Yesterday on woot.com, there was a laptop going for $500. It made me nostalgic for having my very own laptop of the perfect size for sitting and listening and emoting. The laptop we have now is shared, Windows Vista, widescreen, and has a space bar that doesn't work unless hit in the center. Feelings and writings and self-indulgence seems to come easiest in those quiet laptop moments, and with no established routine for thinking and feeling, it goes by the wayside. I can't help but wonder if my hard choices and struggle for acceptance (of the world as it currently is) wouldn't be aided significantly by the addition of such a routine. It's just that from a distance it also seems so simple. Yet, looking through my eyes it seems impossible.
I'm dreaming of a world where my loved ones live within miles of each other and me; where they all trust me and each other; where my feelings are transparent. I'm not looking for a lack of pain, but perhaps a little less mixing of the bitter and sweet? It's far too confusing as is.
12:21 - Friday, Nov. 16, 2007
Recent entries:
- - Monday, Dec. 31, 2007
The Moments to Live For - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2007
message of Christmas Peace - Friday, Dec. 07, 2007
just a bunch of breast tissue - Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007
a poetry reading - Friday, Nov. 30, 2007
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