I am ready for a redesign. I think I've realized that life isn't quite as dramatic as the photo of me to the left. In fact, it's not just the photo that needs to be replaced, it's my entire attitude. Today at lunch my boss commented that people never really change. He asked around the table, 'Do you really feel any different than you did when you were a teenage?' Unless they were all lying, my coworkers and I have very different feelings on the issue. I, in fact, feel like a completely different person; I'd be lying if I said it was a positive change.
My partner has recently frolicked joyfully into the Christmas season. I simply say 'No' as she sings the Peanuts theme 'Christmastime is here.' She finds magic all over, taking photos and sharing them with the world (http://moonlitdreamr.blogspot.com/). I look at the photos and wonder how I missed the point when looking with my own eyes. I used to be like that. I used to write, and save mementos, and talk about how wonderful the world was if you just looked more closely. I used to have confidence and feel wholly capable. Now I am insecure and cynical, and becoming less and less romantic as time goes on. I, in fact, am reminding myself a bit of my own parents-- miserable, unemotional, negative, unhealthy, stagnant. I'm just no fun anymore, and as I become less fun, so does the world around me.
However, despite my marked decline in optimism, the extra years I've put on seem to have broadened my view to also include other realizations such as: Break-ups are not the end of the world, and having a partner does not a whole happy life make. I took the current photo featured in this layout on a winter day in Maine. I was alone, reckless, and (of course) tragically sad. I wanted to seem sexy, mysterious, and above all--emotional. Of course, it also turned out looking quite contrived.
Perhaps from now on, I'll change the photo at regular intervals-- sort of an illustration for my entries. Who knows?
14:36 - Wednesday, Nov. 21, 2007
Recent entries:
- - Monday, Dec. 31, 2007
The Moments to Live For - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2007
message of Christmas Peace - Friday, Dec. 07, 2007
just a bunch of breast tissue - Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007
a poetry reading - Friday, Nov. 30, 2007
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