Time to fall apart a little, I think.
Went for a walk this morning with my dad. We had one of those "transience of life" talks wherein my own mortality is clearly highlighted. My dad, who probably would have died earlier this year, had it not been for his regular walks (and then a major surgery, and a complete diet overhaul), encouraged my recent foray into a healthy lifestyle. There are a million reasons to ditch the bullshit--emotional, edible, and otherwise.
One more such reason: a doctor's appointment this week. A lump in my breast: normal tissue, fibrous cyst, or something too scary for her to even vocalize. Now it's bureaucratic red tape, scheduling breast ultrasound, feeling weird (so weird I don't dare speak my feelings or thoughts to anyone).
I come home (to my parents' home), after a shoe-shopping trip, to phone calls to and from a girlfriend who won't trust, listen to, or show any kindness towards me right now. I have trouble finding any excuse for this, in light of surrounding events--well, in light of the fact that we are adults and alive at all, actually. I feel a bit like scapegoat to the universe. Or something.
I need a desert island, some books, some music, and some fucking soul-encompassing, radiating, affectionate, unconditional love.
(getting into grad school would be great as well)
15:01 - Friday, Sept. 07, 2007
Recent entries:
- - Monday, Dec. 31, 2007
The Moments to Live For - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2007
message of Christmas Peace - Friday, Dec. 07, 2007
just a bunch of breast tissue - Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007
a poetry reading - Friday, Nov. 30, 2007
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